All of this is so surreal.  As I was hiking today, I found myself curious about our current reality and how this could be happening.  In so many ways, these are scary times and it can feel quite overwhelming, because the reality is, this is happening.  Our fears, worries, loneliness, and grief are just as real as COVID-19 and they need our attention.

There is a lot of helpful information out there on how to approach this unprecedented global experience.  As it comes across my newsfeed and email, I am finding myself struggling to track it all.  Thus, my intention is not to add to the clutter, but creating a living document (see my COVID19 Resources Page) to be updated with this information in one place, for you, for me, for all.

There is no one “right” way to navigate these scary and challenging times with our mental health and wellness in tact (or at least not wildly out of control) and these are just some ideas, not an exhaustive list.  My hope is you will sift through this post, take what seems to resonate and reflect on it further to tailor it to work for you, discarding what doesn’t fit.


Emotion Regulation
Our nervous systems are rightfully dysregulated right now.  With all that is happening, from the scary news stories to hoarding of resources giving the impression of scarcity, to people not taking this seriously, to physically isolating, this is a lot to take; it is hard for us to regulate into our Social Engagement System where we feel safe enough to connect or even just to be.  (For a deeper look into regulating the nervous system, see my previous blog post on how our nervous system helps us and other post on regulating the nervous system).  In addition to whatever was going on for us before, we are now faced with a new and quite significant stressor.

Why is regulating our nervous system important?  First, if we can regulate our nervous system our bodies are better able to access the resource of our immune system to help keep us healthy which is crucial right now.  Further, I find it helps if we can identify and understand our autonomic state, that is if we are in the “rest and digest” response of the Social Engagement system, our fight or flight response, or in shutdown/freeze; with that knowledge we can make efforts to shift back into a state of regulation, back into the ventral vagal response of our parasympathetic nervous system (more simply named the Social Engagement System), back to where we can rest, digest, learn, and connect and where our immune system is at its strongest.

Key to being able to regulate our nervous systems is the breath and often, the breath with slow, fluid movement.  This could be a walk, yoga, Tai Chi, or some other movement in which you engage the breath.  One of my favorite ways to help calm the nervous system that is easy to do almost anywhere is volcano breathing from Yoga Calm.  To do this, place your palms together in front of your chest.  As you inhale, extend your arms slowly up over your head with palms still together using the entire inhale to lift your arms.  As you exhale, reach our arms out to the sides to make a big circle and having your hands meet back in front of your chest using the entire exhale to get there.  Repeat several times.

Another essential piece of regulating our nervous systems is to limit our exposure to news and information about COVID-19.  Yes, it is important to have enough information to protect yourself and your family.  However, having the news on all day or checking news sources throughout the day can be overwhelming to even the calmest person.  Thus, I highly recommend selecting just one or two reputable sources to stay informed enough to stay as safe and healthy as possible while also following local guidelines for physical distancing and staying at home.  My suggestion is checking out either the CDC website or the World Health Organization (WHO) website  and then checking your local government website (in Colorado, they have a specific page set up for COVID-19.

If you are choosing to watch news or information about COVID-19, or even if you aren’t, consider balancing this out with noticing some of the beautiful ways people are helping each other or finding some of the humor in life right now (the toilet paper thing is pretty funny - assuming you have some!).  Have you seen how at hospital shift change in Atlanta, people stand out on their balconies and porches and cheer loudly?  So lovely.


Sleep
Sufficient sleep is essential both for coping effectively and reducing our anxiety and depression as well as for helping bolster our immune system.  See my blog post on Tips for Better Sleep to help improve your sleep.


Get Grounded
For most of us, our regular routines have been disrupted.  Given that COVID-19 may be with us for a while, it is important to find a new daily routine or schedule to create some sense of normalcy.  This can help us feel more centered or grounded at a time when there is so much uncertainty in the world; our routine is something we can often control to some degree.

Some grounding ideas for starting your day include journaling (I find this super helpful to just dump the mind by stream-of-consciousness writing every morning), cultivating gratitude through a gratitude journal or jar,  reading something spiritual or inspiring daily (even could be a quote), working with the breath, or meditating (Insight Timer is a free app and has thousands of free guided meditations).  Throughout the day to ground, feel your feet on the floor, practice 5-4-3-2-1 (notice 5 things you see, 4 things you feel to the touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste), or notice things in your surroundings in other ways.


Stay Engaged, Stay Connected
Staying connected can be tough right now due to physical distancing and stay-at-home orders.  Thankfully, many of us have access to the internet.  Perhaps instead of texting, now is the time for phone calls and video chats or even video messages to our loved ones.  Instead of dinner out with a friend, perhaps we video chat with a friend as we eat dinner separately but simultaneously.

At times, social media can be a nice way to connect and I am noticing using it too much can increase anxiety both through scrolling (even during non-crisis times I notice an increase in anxiety in my body when I scroll through my newsfeed) and by being exposed to COVID-19 related posts almost constantly.  Thus, you may seek out additional ways to stay connected.  Many faith communities have moved their offerings online as have yoga studios and other communities.  We are likely going to be physically distancing from each other for quite some time.  I highly recommend not also distancing socially but rather finding ways to stay connected from afar.

It is also helpful to stay engaged in some way.  Maybe this means taking an online course you have wanted to take for a while, starting a new at-home hobby, learning a new language (I like the Duolingo app), doing some art, or perhaps trying yoga for the first time.  There are so many opportunities for these types of activities and more. I will try to list different resources for this on my new COVID-19 Resource Page as I find them.


Move Your Body
Our bodies are made to move and staying at home can make this challenging.  However, moving is not only essential for our physical health and well-being but also for our mental health as well.  So whether you find workout videos on YouTube, subscribe to a service, dance in your kitchen, or do your own workout routine, find a way to move your body at least thirty minutes a day.


Take Care of Your Body
Crises like a global pandemic can often through our bodies off kilter.  It is important to find ways to fuel our bodies with plenty of water and nutritious foods.  One way to think about this is asking the question “how can I nourish my body today?”.  This isn’t about restricting certain foods or following a special diet, but rather about connecting with how your body feels and helping nourish it.


Alone Time
Most of us are suddenly faced with a drastic increase in the amount of time we spend with the people in our homes.  Whether this is roommates, partners, family, or someone else, we are likely not used to so much time together.  Thus, it is essential that we still have some time apart.  Whether we create certain times in the day that are quiet, alone times (as much as you can if you have kids), get out for a walk on our own (while physically distancing of course), or something else, we need to be able to have some personal space.



Helping Others
During times of struggle, finding ways big or small to help others can help both them and ourselves.  Support local businesses.  Check in on neighbors.  Make cloth masks and donate them.  Thank your grocery store workers.  Check on elderly or immunocompromised neighbors.  There are so many ways we can show up now and doing so will help us feel less alone and part of a community fighting this together.



There is so much we cannot control in all of this which can be scary.  My hope is you have found some of these ideas helpful, perhaps as a way to shift your focus to things you can control.  In times of challenge, I have found what gets me through it is often stepping back (as much as I can) and reflecting on what I am learning from this and how I can grow.  It doesn’t make the pain less, but certain reduces the suffering and shifts my focus to my own locus of control.  Remember this is temporary - it may be a longer term temporary than we are used to, but we will find our way through this.  May you be healthy and well!

A lot has changed over the past three years.  To say we are a country divided is an understatement.  One might wonder why a psychotherapist would write about this issue.  My answer is that since the 2016 election I have seen an influx of people trying to manage trauma triggers that had long been buried but that have now resurfaced, people trying to navigate family relationships where shared values seem to have fallen away, people trying to manage anxiety from the way our culture have shifted, and so much more.  Regardless of how you vote or what party you may or may not support or even what news channel you choose to watch, I think it is clear that we are divided and that the division is not working.  It is pitting neighbor against neighbor, brother against sister, friends against friends.  This is no way to live.


I won’t pretend I am even close to having all of the answers on how we deal with this because that is not only inauthentic and false but takes away your personal power to reflect on how you want to show up at this time in your relationships and in the world.  I will say that over the past three years I have spent a lot of time reading and listening to podcast interviews around how we rebuild, how we connect over commonalities to make our country work again, versus hurling nastiness at people who disagree which only further breaks us as individuals, communities, and as a country.  My intention is to share some insight I have gained from my work on this over the past few years in hopes that it helps some reflect and maybe even grow.  At a minimum, my hope is that it may help people cope with the increased conflict and division that surrounds us all.


Each and every one of us has grown up in our own unique environment - our family, our schools, our spiritual community (if we have one), our neighborhoods, and our state.  We come from different races, cultures, ethnicities,  religion or faith systems (including none at all), socio-economic statuses, education levels, political exposure, and so much more.  These environments help us build our unique perspective based on our experiences.  Often, our perspective matches those environments but sometimes it shifts to something different based on later experiences.  These environments, experiences, and perspectives color our perception of the world and the people it in.  One of the beautiful, albeit challenging, parts of our democracy is that we are a diverse nation, not just in race or creed, but in such a vast number of ways.  This allows us to share ideas and reflect together on rational next steps, honoring our commonalities and sifting through different perspectives to get a handle on what may be best for the majority.  This isn’t simple or easy.  As Michael Douglas’s character President Andrew Shepherd says in “The American President”:


"America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say, 'You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours.' You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the land of the free."


Isn’t this the truth? And after the past three years, don’t we know it?!  With the growth of the internet and exposure to people other than our own somewhat homogenous groups (at least at times), we have been faced with the task of learning to be in relationship with people whose experiences, values, and beliefs are wildly different from our own.  The ingrained ‘skill’ of not discussing sensitive topics like money, religion, or politics has left most of us without effective skills for having meaningful conversations around difference or even just connecting in general with people who may have a different perspective.  To protect ourselves, many of us have hunkered down in our camps of like-minded people.


So then how do we have these conversations?  How do we bridge these gaps?  That is a complex answer and I will try to share what I am learning in a moment.  One thing I know both from experience and observation is that yelling, name-calling, shaming, and judgment don’t work.  While certain behaviors may not be okay (e.g., racism), it is important to remember that often times people don’t know what they don’t know.  They are acting in a way congruent with everything they have been taught and have learned to this day.  That doesn’t make racist behavior okay, but the way to change that isn’t shouting “racist” at someone; that just makes them dig in their heals and may make them unwilling to learn more (often for longer than it would have taken without the shame, judgment, and shouting).


A beautiful example of this is in the OnBeing podcast by Krista Tippett titled “How Friendship and Quite Conversations Transformed a White Nationalist”.  In this podcast she interviews former heir to the White Nationalist Throne Derek Black (godson of David Duke) and his friend Matthew Stevenson about how their friendship slowly shifted Derek’s strong White Nationalist beliefs to realize that the research shared with him to stand up for the cause was false or misleading and how when all of that was stripped away he was left with hate and bigotry (his words), despite having developed friendships with Matthew and his Jewish friends.  I can’t imagine the conversations they had were easy.  They certainly didn’t happen quickly and disagreement was definitely present.  However, they found ways to connect over their commonality which opened them up to listen and understand each other in new ways.

In some ways it feels easier to just bury our heads and look away or in some way distance ourselves from people who see the world differently.  Having done this for a while, I realized something.  Not only is the world less interesting when you only talk to people who believe exactly as you do or at least very similarly, but it takes away the beautiful growth opportunity to be able to have courageous and civil conversations about difference.  It is easy to write off those different from us as “crazy” or “racist” or “snowflakes” (or some other demeaning name), but it isn’t useful or effective if we hope to shift the division in our country, if we hope to fix the problem.


In his book “The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream”, after years of public service first as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, and professor and later as a State Senator, Barack Obama shares his observations of people he met over the years and while campaigning.  I want to honor here that I recognize Barack Obama is a Democrat; he doesn’t try to hide that fact nor will I.  That said, I think his observations can speak to all of us regardless of where we land politically; I hope you will read this paragraph with an open mind, perhaps allowing the words to sink in and to reflect on how they truly land with you, regardless of who he is.


Obama shared that most people he came across want the same things and hold similar beliefs regardless of race, region, religion, and class (p.7).  They want anyone willing to work to have access to a job with livable wages.  They want access to health care that doesn’t cause them to go bankrupt if they get sick.  They believe every child should have “a genuinely good education” and “that those same children should be able to go to college even if their parents [aren’t] rich”.  They want to be safe from criminals and from terrorists.  They want clean water, clean air, and time with their kids.  And when they get old, they want “to be able to retire with some dignity and respect”.  Further, the people he spoke with understood that how they did in life depended mostly on their own efforts.  They didn’t expect the government to solve all of their problems and did not like seeing tax dollars wasted.  However, they figured government should help.


While we may disagree on how to accomplish these goals, my experience is congruent with President Obama; most people want the same things.  Knowing this can shift our dialogues, at least with each other, with the people we know.  It may take time for more politicians to be elected who are more concerned about what the American people want and need versus their own political and personal gains.  However, in the meantime, we can bridge gaps with each other by honoring that most of us are in fact quite similar.  Rather than arguing over difference from an emotional place, we can join over commonality and have civil conversation about options.  Rather than feeling attacked because someone doesn’t like an idea we have, we can recognize it isn’t necessarily that they want to deny us a basic right, but rather they may have different ideas about how to get there.  That is a much different conversation.  It is more meaningful, authentic, and because it can be vulnerable it can lead to deeper connection.  As Brene Brown points out, it is hard to hate people close up.  She encourages us to lean in and get curious.  To listen and to share from a grounded place (as much as possible).  That’s how we bridge gaps.  That’s how we move towards unity and towards a democracy that works, a democracy in which we can share, discuss, challenge, and reflect on ideas, learning and growing together as a people.


As a psychotherapist, I do need to point out that sometimes vulnerability isn’t safe.  There are some people in our lives who despite our best efforts to lean in, get curious, and listen will resort to name-calling, shame, judgment, and the like.  Or maybe there is a history of abuse there that makes the dynamic unsafe for these deeper, often vulnerable conversations.  These may not be the best people to try these conversations with. As I see it, the purpose of these conversations isn’t to coerce people to believe what we do, but rather to connect over commonalities and understand differences, embracing our diversity.  As Lennon Flowers puts it in an OnBeing podcast interview titled “An Invitation to Brave Space”, “We don’t need to confuse safe spaces with comfortable spaces”.  Conversations with people who differ from us will likely be uncomfortable.  We just need to make sure they are emotionally safe and understand that there is a difference.  For sure, there is a chance we will learn and grow in some ways from these interactions in safe spaces; perhaps even more from the discomfort than from agreement.  But I see connection as the goal and the rest as just gravy.

There may also be times in our lives when we are struggling where bridging is just not safe or doesn't feel like an option.  That is okay too.  It is important we trust our inner guidance on the right timing in our lives for this work.

Frances Kissling, a “bridge person” interviewed by Krista Tippett in an OnBeing podcast, encourages us to ask ourselves and others the following two questions particularly when talking with someone who may have conflicting or even the opposite beliefs of us: (1) What is it in your own position that gives you trouble? (2) What is it in the position of the other that you are attracted to?  During that podcast interview, she and an Evangelical Minister seemingly on complete opposite sides of the abortion issue, demonstrated how a conversation like this may sound.  It was fascinating to listen to how there were more things they agreed on than expected and maybe even more that they agreed on than not.  Sure, there are likely still points they disagree on.  However, following their bridge conversation, understanding each other more fully and connecting in a positive way, they were then able to communicate more respectfully in an honest way about the differences.

My observation is that in our current political climate, things just seem to go back and forth from one set of beliefs to the other depending on who holds the highest offices.  This doesn’t seem to be working.  What if instead we were able to actually have real conversations that find ways to address issues in a bridged way versus the “one way or the other” type of method.  I can’t help but think so many more of us would feel included and heard in government, in our country, and in our society.


There is so much more to say on this topic and I am grateful for the interesting and helpful interviews on working with the challenges currently facing us as a nation through the OnBeing podcast.  If you are tired of the division, the fighting, the lack of civility when faced with difference, I encourage you to check out some of the following episodes from OnBeing.  They have helped me so much to learn, reflect, and grow in my ability to effectively navigate these challenging times.  And as for the anxiety?  It is still there.  But with a new sense of confidence in being able to more effectively communicate kindly and respectfully with people who may see the world through a different lens, that anxiety has calmed.  No one likes to be uncomfortable; perhaps that’s what some of the anxiety is about.  As a therapist I can say for certain, it is often through pain and discomfort that we learn and grow the most.  So let’s lean in, be curious, listen, and connect.  I trust the beauty of unity will follow.

Podcasts from OnBeing (in no particular order)
(1) Angel Kyodo Williams: The World is Our Field of Practice
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000455622770

(2) America Ferrara and John Paul Lederach: 
The Ingredients of Social Courage
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000454775611

(3) Derek Black and Matthew Stevenson: Befriending Racial Disagreement
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000452194297

(4) Ta-Nehisi Coates: Imagining a New America 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000449551899

(5) Shane Claiborne and Omar Saif Ghobasj
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000446990025

(6) Darnell Moore
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000446456630

(7) Rebecca Traister and Avi Klein
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000425293172

(8) Arlie Hochschild
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000422114895

(9) Sally Kohn and Erick Erickson
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000421612720

(10) Layla Long Soldier: The Freedom of Real Apologies
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000421098174

(11) Frances Kissling
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000420598889

(12) Eula Biss
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000419703336

(13) Mahzarin Banaji: The Mind is a Difference Making Machine
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000418373011

(14) Cory Booker 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000416660294

(15) Maria Shriver: Finding My “I Am”
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000412653708

(16) How Friendship and Quiet Conversations Transformed a White Nationalist
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000411783045
 
(17) John A. Powell
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000411128905

(18) Maria Popova and Natalie Batalha: Cosmic Imagining, Civic Pondering
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000407765408

(19) Sarah Bassin and Abdullah Antepli
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000401246713

(20) Rebecca Solnit: Falling Together
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000397354358

(21) Arnold Eisen
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000387936111

(22) Junot Diaz
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000392259211

(23) Ruby Sales
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000391169934

(24) Rachel Yehuda:  How Trauma and Resilience Cross Generations 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000394618675

(25) Jennifer Bailey and Lennon Flowers:  An Invitation to Brave Sapce
https://onbeing.org/programs/jennifer-bailey-and-lennon-flowers-an-invitation-to-brave-space/


A Few Resources for Civil Conversations and Bridge Building
https://fetzer.org/blog/adventurous-civility-courage-time-division

The Civil Conversations Project

“Braving the Wilderness” by Brene Brown

Also note, following each podcast on the OnBeing website are books by those interviewed that may help.

While the strategies in the previous post are ways to regulate in-the-moment when we pop into anxiety and the fight or flight response (sympathetic nervous system), in order to prevent these situations from continuing to happen we can make larger shifts in our lives.  Whenever making changes to our lives, it is important to take small steps changing one thing at a time so as not to overwhelm ourselves and inadvertently sabotage our efforts.  By shifting things slowly over time we can build on our successes.  You may or may not being doing some or all of these things already.  Perhaps consider adding one or part of one slowly over time.